I know spring has arrived in the library when House makes me
do inventory. As I run the grueling barcode gauntlet, moving methodically from
shelf to shelf, scanning each and every book for the third day in a row, my
withered body cries out for food.
“House, know what I could really go for right now?”
“What’s that?” she replies, feigning interest in my thoughts.
“A 99 cent shrimp cocktail from the Golden Gate in Vegas. At
that price, if you eat enough shrimp, the plane ticket pays for itself.”
At this point I’m feverish for shrimp.
“If I’m living in Vegas when I go to cooking school, I’ll be
22 years old. I’ll be able to eat all the shrimp cocktail I want.”
Plaid is an ancient and regal tradition.Originally used to denote clan in
Scotland, it has spread like wildfire across the lands, infecting every nation
and every culture with the tartan-streaked color wheel of godless beauty.Today, plaid no longer denotes clan,
but instead denotes mental toughness and astonishing bravery.
It’s a well known fact that men and women all over the world
choose plaid for its warmth, feel, quality, and of course, beauty.No matter where you live, you can rest
assured that a plaid clad warrior is off somewhere not so far away defending
you and everyone you love from menial labor.These plaid soldiers do things like chop wood, get into bar
fights, have beards, live in the mountains, and generally are tougher than everyone
else.Thus, is their value to
If you’d like to join the plaid cult of personality, too
bad, you aren’t plaid worthy.Spend a year learning to handle an axe, then maybe you’ll have what it
takes to be considered for plaidhood.Plaid: it’s the magic that makes the world go round.
Many posers attempt to choose to wear plaid. What they do
not realize is that you don’t get to choose plaid.Plaid chooses you.Because so many have attempted to disgrace the holy vessel that is plaid
by wearing it without divine right, certain measures have been put into place
to keep these pretenders under control.This includes anyone who wears aviators with their plaid.That, though, is really the only
For the ladies. . . .All you really need to do to attract manly, stunning, plaidwearing
beasts is to wear plaid yourselves.This is because it takes courage just to wear the stuff for you fashion
sensitive types.Anyone who knows
me knows that the way to my empty heart cavity is through plaidwearing
women.I salute you plaidchosen
women, for being of that genus that makes me so giddy with the joy of the
chase. Thanks for being there, the only type of female capable of handling a true
plaid warrior. Written in the stars through time, we were made for each other.
Actual Cover of Actual Book Scott is Actually Reading
Have you ever wanted to see the mountains of South America
first hand?Have you ever wanted
to trek through the jungle dodging poisonous fauna of all kinds?How would you like to camp in the rain,
catch rare diseases, swim in shark-infested waters, and mingle with possibly
Nah, didn’t think so.
However, if you would like to enjoy all that suffering from
the comfort of home, I recommend Jaguars Ripped My Flesh, Tim Cahill’s first
book in his series of adventure/exploration essay collections.Cahill goes all the places you won’t,
sees all the things you would have missed, and then writes them down in a way
that is both awe- inspiring and hilarious.Even if exploration isn’t your thing, Cahill probably is.
Boys hit girls they like.If you are something other than a boy, this is a fact you
may not know.
up cute girls, we think you're swell, but we don't know how to say it, so we
figure hitting you is the next best thing.We know that you like it, so just quit pretending. Seriously.What says, "I want to get to know you better,"
like a physical blow? Nothing.It’s
like poetry in motion, really. There are no words, just desire and pain.It’s beautiful, like an autumn moon, or
a newborn baby is beautiful.It’s
like a courtship dance conducted on a grandiose scale; a romance of the gods.
at this level should be carried past junior high, through adolescence and into
adulthood.Think about it. You're at the office, and you have a
crush on one of the typing girls, but you just don't know how to tell her!Eureka! You walk up behind her and hit her
across the back of the head. She
says, "How ‘bout lunch tomorrow?" and you give her the thumbs up,
your best smile and a wink, and go back to work.It’s simple, really.
practice would essentially eliminate 90 percent of the problems that arise from
dating, including conversation, personality, awkwardness, and body odor.A few issues remain, including physical
appearance, and also where you will go on your date, but really you don't need
to go anywhere. Just stay home and hit each other.
If you're sitting on the western side of the library and
also happen to be using the northernmost computer, then you are in great
position to read a good book.Not
only are you in the library, but I can give you step by step instructions on
how to find a specific book within the labyrinthine corridors of shelves and
stacks; a book you will actually enjoy.In fact, I guarantee your satisfaction, or I will refund your time.
simple to find the book. Stand up
and look to your left. You'll see Some Small Shelves. The book isn't on those
shelves.Far to the right of Some
Small Shelves are Some Big Shelves. Head in this direction.About waist high, you will notice a medium-sized book in cornflower
blue.This is your target.Once you have picked up the book, you
are well on your way to finding the book you want to read.Place Cornflower Blue back on the shelf
and take a right.Roughly seven
and three fourths feet to the left and two shelves down, or up, give or take a
shelf, is your book.
The critically acclaimed graphic novel WATCHMEN has at last
been made into a full length motion picture, but, to be honest, I would rather
talk about the appearance of writer Alan Moore.He was actually thrown out of high school for selling LSD and never graduated.I was not
surprised to hear this, because I know how Alan Moore looks.He has a tangle of long, tousled dark
hair with the beard to match.He
looks even more disturbed than Charles Manson.
is essentially about normal human beings who choose to be more than what they
are.The heroes of WATCHMEN were
not born heroes, and most don’t have powers.They are simply men and women who have chosen to become
extraordinary, and they dedicate their lives to making the world a safer place
to live.The only watchman
with any real powers is Dr. Manhattan, whose origins alone make for an
Looking for a good read? Keep looking.I recently read the recently released
release Galaxy Girls.I don’t know
what it was that drew me to the book, but I suspect it was the title, or maybe
it was the blaze orange lips on the cover coupled with broken hearts and
gets right to the point.It’s
about some girls from a galaxy seemingly based on our own.In the world of the galaxy girls,
though, doughnuts are good for you and rollerblading is still cool.Imagine the future as it’s portrayed in
Back to the Future, with worse clothing.Essentially, five girls in moon boots bounce around their bustling
metropolis shopping for crappy outfits and wearing too much plastic.Of course they’re each beautiful in
their own unique and distinguished way and have their share of comic
misadventures, particularly with the metrosexual robot-like futureboys.(All the boys in the future play water
polo and are occupied with generally inept skullduggery.)Who doesn’t love the classic
story of the slightly overweight girl with a heart of gold winning the heart of
the crew cut, water polo playing, captain-of-the-team type boy?
I like to rate a book based on how it makes me feel.After I read the last sentence, I like
to lie back and think about the book’s events, mood, and style.After Galaxy Girls, I can only say that
I felt depressed--the kind of depressed that makes you slink your way to the
fridge under the cover of darkness so you can eat a jar of strawberry jam while
you lock yourself in the bathroom for the next several hours.The kind of depressed that makes you
eat that jam with nothing but your fingers.“This is it”, you will say to yourself, “this is how it
ends. No friends, no toast, not even a spoon.”
While in the library this last Tuesday, I happened to bring
up the subject of technology to the House.She proceeded to tell me a story about a videodisc player
she bought circa 1987. I had no idea what a videodisc is, so she went on to
explain that it’s essentially a giant, record-sized cd.Right off the bat, this image strikes
me as both preposterous and hilarious.
House tells me how this particular piece
of very expensive equipment was obsolete something like six minutes after she
paid for it.This riveting
conversation segued into another technology-themed opus of conversational
skills as House began to rant hysterically about how cell phones and television
remotes are far too complicated, and that they should not require a Physics
degree to use.
me an opportunist, but I felt this a good time to point out several things.
House doesn’t even own a TV, let alone an overly complicated remote, and she
doesn’t have a cell phone either.The reasoning behind not owning such devices of convenience is to the House,
a very simple thing.“I don’t have
a Physics degree!”
“Actually” I began, “I programmed
my remote so that I can just bark out the equations at it, and it responds
accordingly.E equals m c squared
quantity n over k x to the third root, gets me channel three every time.”
older denizens of the planet just cannot seem to comprehend the simplicity of
this, no matter how much time they spend using the remote.My father, for instance, spends hours
watching football on our basement TV, yet he can’t figure out how to switch
from dvd mode back to television.No matter how many times I do it for him; no matter how many times I
tell him to watch, learn, pay attention, he always winds up calling me back
down to the basement to do it again.“Scooooooooooot!” I hear from my mother, relaying the message for my
dad.“Dad needs you to fix the TV
Sigh. The TV is not broken. He just doesn’t know how to use it, and apparently refuses to
learn, or even to try to learn. So,
I switch from dvd mode back to television mode again, and I tell him to watch,
to learn, but I know I’ll be back, switching it over for him again next